Thursday, September 19, 2024
I throw my paranoid imaginings about being judged out the window. Fear to reveal here pervades my willingness to open up to what is surely a human experience, maybe common or not. Since more than 8 billion humans on this planet with all kinds of world views and histories cannot be queried on this or any other question, one needs to toss any idea of normality out the window. I'm assuming it is normal and not unusual, because I'm a normal human being with all the flavors and flaws common to the humans I have encountered.
We each create our world as a whole and
in our own lives, by interactions with others, revealing our thoughts and
dreams, sharing thoughts and reality-testing our interpretations. Our own
summations, open, hopefully, to flaws in thinking or stuck on our own biases.
They're all interpretations of all we've heard, read, seen and done.
Tunnel vision happens when we keep it all
inside, like my sister did, believing and relying completely on her own
opinions, thinking she did not have dementia, when by anyone else's standards
she did. A scary thought, that without testing it in the arena of other people,
we can continue, unopposed, in thinking we alone know what's real and what's
false.
This is what happened when I visited my
sister after her stroke when she fell on May 16 2020.
I wound up staying for two years, to care
for her and attempt to alleviate her major disabilities, as well as attempt to
help her choose to see that she wasn't living well alone. I did what I could
for her and it ended predictably because she was 18 years older and knew better
than her bratty kid sister what was best for herself.
I own a toxic internal commandment, maybe
more than one, and because it was unconscious, it drove and continues to drive
my emotions, my thinking, and my fears. It's a leap of faith to just write this
and hope my thoughts aren't judged; misinterpreted. I have to allow that it may
be interpreted as meaning xyz when it meant nothing like xyz. I can't help but
see this all over the media and writing here I open myself to it, and that's a
leap of faith, but I need to choose my words more carefully so I don't make a
mistake.