Just another day

 Thursday, September 19, 2024

I throw my paranoid imaginings about being judged out the window. Fear to reveal here pervades my willingness to open up to what is surely a human experience, maybe common or not. Since more than 8 billion humans on this planet with all kinds of world views and histories cannot be queried on this or any other question, one needs to toss any idea of normality out the window. I'm assuming it is normal and not unusual, because I'm a normal human being with all the flavors and flaws common to the humans I have encountered.

 

We each create our world as a whole and in our own lives, by interactions with others, revealing our thoughts and dreams, sharing thoughts and reality-testing our interpretations. Our own summations, open, hopefully, to flaws in thinking or stuck on our own biases. They're all interpretations of all we've heard, read, seen and done.

 

Tunnel vision happens when we keep it all inside, like my sister did, believing and relying completely on her own opinions, thinking she did not have dementia, when by anyone else's standards she did. A scary thought, that without testing it in the arena of other people, we can continue, unopposed, in thinking we alone know what's real and what's false.

 

This is what happened when I visited my sister after her stroke when she fell on May 16 2020.

 

I wound up staying for two years, to care for her and attempt to alleviate her major disabilities, as well as attempt to help her choose to see that she wasn't living well alone. I did what I could for her and it ended predictably because she was 18 years older and knew better than her bratty kid sister what was best for herself.

 

I own a toxic internal commandment, maybe more than one, and because it was unconscious, it drove and continues to drive my emotions, my thinking, and my fears. It's a leap of faith to just write this and hope my thoughts aren't judged; misinterpreted. I have to allow that it may be interpreted as meaning xyz when it meant nothing like xyz. I can't help but see this all over the media and writing here I open myself to it, and that's a leap of faith, but I need to choose my words more carefully so I don't make a mistake.